A seminal work of LGBT film making that makes use of advanced queer theory and provides REPRESENTATION to…you know what I can’t do this. It’s the worst GAY movie of all time everybody!

We open with the music expected of a serious dramatic GAY love story.

Yes really it’s THAT SONG not to mention we have footage of what appears to be THE SURFACE OF THE SUN!!!

Hey I guess you can’t get anymore flaming then that. (bum-dum-tish)

To be fair Red Letter Media says that it’s Jupiter.

I personally choose to believe it’s Uranus.

Because it’s an under represented gas giant.

…

What, you thought I was making a gay joke?

Well shame on you!

Moving on we’re informed it’s a Sam Mravovich Production

.

…and also a Sam Mravovich Film.

Starring Sam Mravoich…

… You know what I understand! Being a creator is tough and sometimes we want to highlight the hard work we put into our projects.

So you know what? I get it Sam.

More power to you.

The title card on the other hand…

Holy shit I can’t even google old gradient text that bad so I have to go with my backup joke of it looking like it came from a Lisa Frank trapper keeper. (Remember those?)

Now we go onto our Cinematographers and…

Okay, Cinematography is an important aspect of filmmaking I’m sure that’s his last credit…

Editing…

Also important…

But getting a little too on the nose…

Okay… WE GET IT SAM! You put a lot of work into this movie.

Okay this is getting ridiculous.

For God’s sake man! Tommy Wiseau only had Starring, Written, Produced, and Directed!

This is reaching parody levels…

F*** you Sam. Of COURSE you did the screenplay. You probably even catered.

…and he still found time to direct! Eleven Credits Ladies and Gentlemen!

Orson Welles is smiling somewhere Sam.

We open on Arthur (Sam Mraovich) who is sleeping with his shoes on an…eclectic bed as a haunted doll looks on.

He gets a phone call and it’s his boyfriend Ben who asks him “If he’s found out yet?”

Arthur responds that the TV is broken and Ben tells him “TO FORGET THE STUPID TV AND SEE IF IT’S BEING BROADCAST ON THE RADIO!”

Is this the start of a Zombie Apocalypse or something?

Is this movie going to get way more interesting?

Arthur fiddles with the radio for a good minute and tells Ben his cellphone must be running out of power because he’s breaking up.

…Not really how it works but okay!

ARTHUR!?! ARTHUR!?!

Arthur finally hears the big news and no it’s not a zombie apocalypse…

Apparently it’s been a long battle in Hawaii and the courts has ruled YES.

Yes,  Hawaiian Rolls are disgusting and that’s why I always turn them down from restaurants even if they’re free.

No I’m being facetious, it turns out homosexuals do have the right to get married!

Judge Kevin James’s ruling has made history.

Wow! Legalizing Gay Marriage and starring in two Paul Blart movies…

Is there anything that man can’t do?

Ben rushes home off the elevator and opens the door to their apartment…

AND ARTHUR IMMEDIATLY JUMPS ON HIM LIKE AN ALIEN FACEHUGGER FALLING FROM THE CEILING!!!

AH!!!

That was scary!

Y’know…

I’ve always been critical of the term Homophobia since no one (sans Classic Chris-Chan) is actually AFRAID of gay people but…

Is there a fear of being jump-scared by a Gay Person?

If so I have that.

They hug and Arthur says “LET’S FUCKING GO TO HAWAII!!!”

Ben agrees and an upbeat song starts playing.

We cut to Arthur packing something from the Fred Flintstone collection…

Apparently when someone asks if they’re homos he asks if they mean Sapiens or Neanderthalensis! (Buh-dum-tish!)

While Arthur packs a neat and tidy tiny bag…

Ben just pours all his shit into a suitcase…LIKE A CAVEMAN ACTUALLY!

He then sits on the suitcase trying to jam all his crap into it making it what the British refer to as a “Bum Bag”.

The next morning Arthur (showing much more emotion than usual) gayly saunters over to Ben who is looking glum having read today’s paper.

Asking if he has everything Ben directs him to read today’s paper…and what he reads shocks him…

THEY’VE BEEN DEBUNKED!!!

No of course I’m being facetious.

Judge Kevin James presumably not wanting the controversy while he films “Zookeeper” issued a stay on his ruling.

It’s no longer legal for gays to get married until it goes before the Hawaiian State Supreme Court that however may be two years away…

*Stunned Gay Silence*

Arthur asks Ben what they’re supposed to do and Ben rationally says there is no reason to not just go to Hawaii.

Arthur completely ignores Ben’s rationality and says “THE TICKETS ARE NON-REFUNDABLE!!!”

Ben says “Well what do you wanna do?”

Arthur wants to know why Ben isn’t as upset as him.

Ben says he is and Arthur says he sure doesn’t seem like it.

Ben tries to rationally explain to Arthur they just have to wait two years but ARTHUR FLIPS THE FUCK OUT AND THROWS THE NEWSPAPER EXPLODING IN A MONOTONOUS GAY RAGE!

“AW FUCK IT ANOTHER TWO YEARS BEN!

THIS IS IGNORANCE AND COMPLETELY UNFAIR!

THIS COUNTRY FUCKING SUCKS!!!

IT JUST FUCKING SUCKS!!!

(Goes into side room)

OOOO (?)

(Drawer closing noise)

(Comes back.) …and you know what?

If we ever get into a war and they draft my ass the first thing I’m going tell them is if I’m not good enough to get married in this country then I’m sure as hell ain’t dying for it.

(Goes back into side room)

(Room trashing noises are heard)

FUCKING SUCKS BEN!!!”

BRAVO! Sam!

I’ve never seen Brokeback Mountain but I want to know where is YOUR Best Director, Best Adapted Screenplay, and Original Score Oscars?

…and since the credits all contain you I guess they’d really be YOUR Oscars…

Ben’s reaction is the same as mine.

He tells Arthur to relax but ARTHUR WANTED TO GO TO HAWAII. (EVEN THOUGH THEY STILL CAN!)

So they still have to pay for those non-refundable plane tickets that they refuse to use.

The audio cuts out and Ben sighs in silence…

Before the usual comforting background static returns and Ben says he has to tell Arthur something…

HE THEN TELEPORTS LIKE A VAMPIRE IN BETWEEN SHOTS TO TALK TO ARTHUR UP CLOSE!!!

Ahh!!! Stop doing that!!!

Do I have a cursed DVD or something?

Is this Ben Drowned and Arthur?

Anyway Ben says they’ve been together for three years…and he’s still finishing up a divorce with his WIFE! (Wait why was he so happy to go get married and then disappointed when he couldn’t then?)

Arthur can only say “…What?” in his same usual monotone.

We then suddenly cut to Arthur in a filthy room writing in his diary.

He internally monotonologues about how…

“He can’t believe Ben…He’s married to some bitch named Tammy.

He was telling me he was always gay and got married due to peer pressure.

I told him to get his stupid wife over to get the divorce papers signed.

He said okay.

I think I took rather well… I guess regardless of how well you know someone there is always more to learn.

The important thing is we’re going to stay together.”

Wow! It’s like a gay “Hamlet”!

We then cut to some “Jaws” like synths and Ben’s estranged wife Tammy…

…who looks emotionally drained and dead inside! (Huh I guess Ben has a type…)

She walks down the hall…

Knocks on the door…

Ben opens the door…

She walks into the room…

They position themselves to have a conversation…

What is this Birdemic?

You could easily trim 3/4ths of that.

I don’t want to say Tammy is no Marilyn Monroe but let’s just say this isn’t “Niagara” (1953). (REVIEW COMING SOON!)

Ben says he wants a divorce.

His wife trying to win him back with this seductive face is appalled at the very suggestion! “What!?!” she says.

Ben repeats himself “I want a divorce”.

“*Scoff* “What brought that on!?!”

…has Ben been living a double life with Tammy and Arthur?

Is she just in denial that her husband left and shacked up with some monotone dude?

He’s clearly living separately from her so I guess that’s what’s going on.

None of this isn’t very clear though.

Anyway… Ben tells Tammy he’s a HOMOSEXUAL and Tammy reacts as you’d expect.

“You want me to believe that!?!”

Ben calmly says he has the papers right here and all she has to do is sign them.

Tammy refuses to sign them saying Ben is “just confused right now.”

Ben retorts that “He’s not confused. YOU’RE CONFUSED!”

She asks for “HIS NAME” and Ben replies it doesn’t really matter but his name is Arthur and they are going to get married.

Tammy SCOFFS at this saying “men can’t get married in the United States”.

But “Shapiro” Ben DESTROYS her with FACTS and LOGIC saying that yes they can in Vermont.

“So you never loved me is that what you’re saying…?”

He never loved your acting.

Seriously she acts with her mouth if that makes any sense.

It’s a “Jim Carrey as Fire Marshal Bill-esqe” performance.

“…that these past five years meant nothing to you?”

Ben attempting to rap horribly says “That’s not what this is about! In five years you still haven’t even figured this out?”

“Hey I didn’t force you to fucking marry me!”

“I thought that it would change me “

“Shut the fuck up! I’m fucking getting out of here! FUCK YOU!”

Tammy shoves the divorce papers back at Ben and makes her dramatic exit.  

Whoa!

 

Well we are *checks watch* eight minutes into this movie and I’ve written 1669 words about it.

Let’s just call this part one of what is sure to be many.

Tune in next time for more exciting Ben and Arthur Adventures!

 

Well…

Until then…

I’m Nathan Edward Priem and that was something else.